Confessions of the Gilded Prayer-Part 5

So I continued to pray, and I journaled. I beseeched heaven to respond to my needs and to the needs of those around me. God was faithful, although never predictable. He always answered, just not always the way

As I finished reading the latest entry, I realized with prideful clarity that my disappointment did not lie with God, it fell fully on me. God had not changed. He did not need to. He did not need to learn form His mistakes, or humble Himself with apologies. He did not need to have His character formed or His motives challenged. He was, is and will always be Creator, Sustainer, Perfector…God.

The trial was over. My soul had acquitted the defendant, and yet my heart found no satisfaction. I was still disappointed…in me. Was I the one who was always learning and yet never coming to the knowledge of the truth? Could I have escaped such a simple concept, that there is but One God, and I am not Him? Had my pursuit of discipleship blinded my ability to just follow Him?

I realized that the book that I held in my hand contained the prayers of gilded faith; unrealistic expectations that were coated with the brightness of ignorant assumptions. Before these prayers were offered up to God, I had somehow thought myself capable of provoking God to move based on my perspective of the situation! My confession was revealing! God had allowed me to agonize through the frustration of this experience, in order to teach me something I would learn no other way.

In all my trying to comprehend the ways of God I found that the true cost of discipleship is surrender. I should want to obey the Lord because I love Him and trust His ways, not because I want something from Him, no matter how righteous or wonderful that thing may be. And yes…I am strengthened through the hardship because I learn to depend on the truth that God does work all things together for the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. (Rom 8:28) Not everything is as it appears on the earth. Our prayers will one day be seen in heaven’s light and we will know for all eternity how gracious and merciful our Great God was to us all. The testimony of His faithfulness will be overwhelming!